What does a sex coach know? The keys to sexual happiness
What’s going to make the biggest difference in your sex life?
What I’m going to share with you comes from the many hours I’ve spent talking, researching, reading and asking people questions about sex. You will improve your sex life if you are willing to look realistically and honestly at what is wrong, work on overcoming the barriers that hold you back (e.g. lack of confidence, inhibitions, anxiety), learn more about your own sexuality (your beliefs, desires, sexual style/energy) and – most importantly – communicate with your sexual partner.
TALKING WITH EACH OTHER
Yes, I know you know, but I keep telling you. You can learn as much about yourself as you want, but if you can’t find a way to let a partner know all this, you’re not that much better off – although you may find that masturbation is pretty awesome. Sex coaching is so successful because working on your communication habits and skills is the foundation of a great relationship and an exciting sex life. Eliminating the fear of talking about sex has a huge impact on confidence and happiness. When I work with my clients, I use a number of exercises I have devised to help people become fearless communicators. When you can integrate communication about sex and your relationship into everyday life, talking about sex just becomes something you do regularly in your relationship. It no longer becomes a monstrously overwhelming hurdle that must be prepared and planned in advance. The more you do it, the easier and more fun it gets. Honestly.
EXTEND YOUR COMFORT ZONE
Like all forms of coaching, sex and relationship coaching works most successfully when a client is willing to embrace new ideas about themselves and their sexual potential, and understand and accept their and their partner’s sexuality. On many occasions I have worked with people who thought their current sexual behavior, repertoire and choices were all they could be and all they wanted to be, only to discover that they had an undiscovered sexual self within them – who wanted more, could give and receive more and who could be much happier and more fulfilled than they could have imagined. Beliefs are the things that most stand in the way of sexual exploration. The ideas you have about what sex is/should be,
KEEP AN OPEN OPINION
If you want to make sex great, you need to learn to let your inner critical voice be heard, which judges and makes mistakes in others and blames and blames anyone who thinks differently than you. Any type of relationship is healthier and stronger when individuals accept that the differences between them are okay and not a cause for dispute. I’ve worked with a number of clients who came to me because their relationship was faltering as a result of the assumptions they clung to after discovering more about what arouses their sexual partner—and then disliking it. You can’t afford to let knowledge about someone’s sexuality mean all sorts of other things. If you find yourself thinking things like ‘if he/she likes to do that then we are totally incompatible’, ‘I would never want to do that and if he/she does that,
IN A PAIR A SEXUAL PROBLEM DOES NOT BELONG TO ONE PERSON
When a couple comes to me and one of them is clearly identified (usually by both) as “the one” with the problem, my first step is usually to ask both couples to explore the role they each play in keeping the situation as it is. For example, if a woman is seen as “the” problem because she has lost interest in sex, then “she” is not the problem and the coaching work becomes a matter of reformulating a problem as a message that something is wrong or missing in her. life – may take a while to find as it could be anything (unresolved conflicts between partners, dissatisfaction with other areas of life, realizing she’s just not getting the kind of sexual stimulation she needs to turn her on ). Losing interest in sex is not a sign that you are less of a man/woman.
SOME SEXUAL THINGS TO KEEP UP
Seemingly small things can have a big effect on sexual satisfaction. I’ve talked to clients who, because they don’t respond sexually the way they think they “should” do, are too afraid to tell the truth. There are some common things people do to arouse their partner that can have the opposite effect. Your intention is good, but poor communication means you can keep doing something for years that turns your partner off, not on.
And these could be things like:
not liking oral sex. Men and women have told me that getting oral sex does very little for them, but they are afraid to admit it because they feel they should find it arousing.
women who don’t get aroused from touching their breasts. When researchers have surveyed women about what turns them on, usually only about 50% say that touching or stroking their breasts increases their sexual arousal. About half of the female population is not really attracted to this commonly used arousal technique. They are usually indifferent. They don’t hate it, but it doesn’t increase sexual arousal. This only means that you should ask your wife how she feels when you touch her breasts. If she’s not that excited about it, you don’t have to stop, but you should stop relying on it to turn your partner on.
being too rough with manual stimulation When you put something -finger, vibrator- into a vagina, remember to follow the natural canal of the vaginal canal. This means aiming slightly upwards (towards the bottom of the back and not in a straight forward and forward horizontal motion).
The factors I’ve mentioned indicate the areas that you probably need to address if you want to improve your sex life, your relationship with your partner, and your feelings about yourself and your sexual worth. Sexual knowledge is power because power gives you control (over yourself and the confidence to influence your partner and your environment). Taking control gives you options and choices because you understand that you are responsible for your own happiness. Use your new insights to overcome limiting beliefs by asking yourself how you can change your old habits into a new approach that inspires and excites you.