Very few things that happen during sex are a disaster unless you choose to see them that way. If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
The Journal of Marital and Sexual Therapy recently reported that 1 in 4 of us are unhappy with our sex lives. Problems with sex arise from a combination of factors: for example, lack of self-confidence, communication problems, inexperience and lack of skills, unrealistic expectations, refusal to take responsibility for our own sexual pleasure and
What many people are not aware of is that there are a huge amount of beliefs and opinions about sex that we all have and carry into every sexual encounter. For the most part, we are unaware of our particular biases and expectations, but these unexamined but rigid beliefs have the potential to ruin any sexual experience.
1. SEXUAL FANTASY IS A BARRIRE TO INTIMACY
Many people avoid having the best sexual experiences they could have because they believe that fantasy should be limited to masturbation and not be an aspect of partner sex. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Choosing if and when to share a private wish with your partner can be exciting. But sharing is not the point of fantasy. Fantasy is all about learning what turns you on and exploring your potential to express your sexuality. It is not uncommon for women to have difficulty reaching orgasm with a partner due to insufficient mental arousal. She probably knows how to orgasm through masturbation, but feels too guilty to enter the realm of fantasy when she’s with her partner.
2. PENETRATION IS THE PURPOSE OF SEX
Concentration on the destination rather than the journey accounts for the burden on men to “perform” on demand, but it is only one part of a much larger field of sexual opportunity. Penetration is often made the center of sex, but oral and manual sexual activity is probably at least as — and often more — satisfying for a woman. When penetration is seen as the “goal” of sex, foreplay becomes something that leads to good sex, rather than being a pleasure in itself. When sex is reduced to a rush to male ejaculation through penetration, it’s no wonder so many people find sex uninteresting and boring. It’s more that the definitions of sex in our culture are superficial and downplay the magnificence and mystery that sex can be.
3 MORE SEX MEANS BETTER SEX
Quality versus quantity of sex is likely to be different at different times. It is unrealistic to expect that sex will always be great and require a large investment of time and effort. Variety is the keyword. Getting stuck in a predictable routine that both partners play means that sometimes both quantity and quality suffer. We are surrounded by misinformation about sex. Surveys that tell us how often everyone has sex (or more realistically, how often people say they have sex) become methods of establishing a false standard of sexual activity that you could try to replicate.
The quality can suffer if you are too determined to increase the quantity of your sexual experiences. Many people feel pressured to have a lot of sex, but this does not mean that they will become a better lover or have better sex. It just means they have more sex. Compulsive sexual behavior can be harmful to your sense of who you are, what you have to offer, your job, relationships. It can mask low quality sex. Comparing yourself to your perception of other people’s sex lives is always a destructive way to get in. All that matters to you is your own sexual happiness.
4 I’M JUST NOT A VERY SEXUAL PERSON
Loss of sexual desire is a common concern of many people and it is a problem that has no single cause. If you have persistent thoughts that you feel unworthy, unloved, unwanted and do not deserve great sex, not attractive enough, you can convince yourself that you are just not very sexual. Everyone has sexual energy and the ability to express and enjoy a satisfying sex life. What can happen is that your negative thoughts about yourself cause you to lose touch with the sexual part of yourself and begin to feel disconnected from your sexuality. By identifying the internal self-talk that impairs your sexual expression, you can reconnect with your sexuality and believe that you are no different from anyone else: you deserve and are entitled to sexual happiness. You will have to change the way you think about yourself or your label will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you’re looking for evidence to back up a belief, you can always find it. It doesn’t make it right or true. It simply means seeing what you want to see, whatever helps you to feel comfortable – even this is only the comfort found in what is safe, unchallenging and familiar.
5 BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE HAVE BETTER SEX.
Sex begins in the brain and sexual attraction and energy are fueled by factors other than physical appearance. When you make love, you are so much more than your body. This belief feeds on the comparisons you make between yourself and other people. Beautiful people don’t have more successful relationships and better sex. Sexual satisfaction is about self-acceptance. The way you think about your body is obvious to other people and can make sex a joy or a disaster. The danger of this belief is that you’re going to play the “If only” game. If only I were thinner, more attractive, more sexually adventurous, I could have the sex life I want. If you make your dreams dependent on another change, you decrease the chances of finding the courage to change anything. There is nothing to gain by waiting. You must take action now to change.
Your body image and the things you tell yourself about your sexual desirability are important factors that influence your sexual happiness. While valuing your own desirability makes quality sex more attainable, loving your appearance alone does not guarantee a deeper and firmer self-esteem. You may feel desirable, but empty of desire. Self-acceptance and learning to love yourself goes beyond appreciating your attractiveness and includes an acknowledgment and respect for who you are, what you stand for, and what you contribute to the world and other people.
6 THE CHILDREN MUST COME FIRST.
Many couples experience a decline in their sexual satisfaction after having children. Believing that the child’s needs should always come first can mean that a total lack of privacy, time, energy, and commitment makes sex a distant memory. Having children is a stressful time for any couple and relationship dynamics will change. Balancing affection and attention between your children and your partner is a challenge that needs to be addressed.
Couples with young children need alone time to focus on each other’s needs and desires. They should listen to and respect each other and acknowledge their sexual situation, whatever it may be. Being a mother or father does not mean that you have to give up on yourself. It is important to set boundaries for your young children so that they know and accept that sometimes their parents expect privacy and are not always willing to rush to meet their child’s needs on demand.
7. SEX IS NO LAUGHTER
Playing, being silly and laughing are all great ways to deepen intimacy and increase sexual pleasure. Some people believe that sex should be ‘romantic’, can only be, and therefore attach a lot of seriousness to the experience. It is possible to learn the benefits of scamming. When sex cannot contain play elements, it is often an indication of an impoverished emotional connection. Usually it is not difficult to bring back the pleasure in sex, even if it feels a bit forced at first.
When sex is seen as achievement and competition, lightness and frivolity are likely to be missing. Keep in mind that sex is about what works for you and that playing and foolishness staying a part of sex can help prevent sex from becoming stale and predictable.
8. SEX MUST be a generous act; I WANT TO FILL HIS/HER SEXUAL NEEDS
Great sex is both generous and selfish. Most people get turned on by their partner’s arousal and this is great, but if you put all your energy into figuring out what she/he wants, what about you? Who gives you what you need? Being willing to provide for your own needs is an indication that you are willing to take care of yourself, rather than relying on other people to fulfill your unfulfilled and perhaps unspoken desires.
Sexual communication is all about clarity, saying what you think and feel. It’s also about setting boundaries, discussing what you don’t like and both parties need to be able to say no and accept this. If you find yourself having sex because you don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings, think about what you’re doing. Honor yourself and what you want and share any feelings of ambivalence. This means that intimacy can remain high and misunderstandings do not have a chance to disrupt your relationship with your partner.
9. PREMATURE EJACULATION IS A SIGN OF A BAD LOVER.
Not being able to control ejaculation is a concern for many men. Most practical, even if you’ve had an orgasm, don’t leave your partner high and dry. Often times, feelings of shame, failure, and anticipating your partner’s disappointment mean that his orgasm means the end of sex. It comes back to broadening your perception of what sex can be and not being addicted to ideas about sexuality that are prevalent in our culture.
In terms of his sexual pleasure, learning to manage his fear of performance and being able to talk to a partner are the most effective ways to build sexual confidence. Some of the informal strategies that are popular in our culture do more harm than good. For example, trying to delay ejaculation by distracting yourself with non-sexual thoughts will not increase your sexual pleasure.
It is more likely that this strategy creates a sense of dissociation for him from his own body and the situation he is in. It may help him delay ejaculation (although this is debatable), but consciously focusing away from your physical pleasure is unlikely to facilitate peak sexual experiences. Being emotionally present during sex is crucial for sexual awareness and intimacy. It is a much more successful strategy for a man to learn how to control his ejaculation than to consciously maintain emotional distance from his partner and the sexual experience.
Tantric sex exploration is a great way to learn the ability to control male ejaculation as it teaches techniques that allow him to differentiate between orgasm and ejaculation. Contrary to popular belief, they are not the same!
10. AN ERECTION IS ONE AND SAME AS SEXUAL EDUCATION
This is a difficult idea for many people to get their heads around. Sexual arousal takes place within a context that is emotional, physiological and visual. When you consider the nature of desire and attraction, recognize that it is not always a purely physical reaction; it is about idiosyncratic and sometimes unpredictable preferences. Sexual desire simply does not exist without a sexual context. It is confirmed/reduced by the accompanying emotions and thoughts that you focus on in each moment. Men have erections of different hardness depending on how they think and feel at the time. An erection does not necessarily mean that a man is fully or even slightly aroused. He can stand up straight without feeling particularly sexy.
For men who are unsure about maintaining their erections, confusing an erection with arousal means they often rush into sex before they are completely ready. If you get into the habit of going from low arousal to sex, the desire may start to subside. Part of the reason for this is that many men feel they could lose an erection if they don’t immediately react to its presence. Having sex in an atmosphere of fear and uncertainty will not give you the best sexual experiences you can have.
There are many things men can do to learn to feel more confident and in control of their erections and control their ejaculation instead of ignoring his insecurity and depriving themselves of great sexual experiences. When your decisions and actions are motivated by fear and uncertainty, you are somehow selling yourself short. Many men don’t know where their pleasure comes from during sex and experience a lack of understanding about their own bodies, meaning they don’t know that their whole body can get aroused. If you’re determined to take control of your ejaculation response, invest in some of the many interesting and informative guides that enable men to delay ejaculation and become more connected to their sexual potential.
Recognize that the thoughts you have affect the sex life you create. Know that you can choose to change the way you think and learn self-acceptance, respect for your sexual self, and experience ease, excitement and power in the ways you choose to express yourself sexually.