Each of us believes and defends our own set of sexual rules. These rules are not facts. They are judgments and opinions that we believe to be real. It is important to recognize and examine the sex rules we carry with us in every sexual encounter.
We learn about sex through our experiences, from other people and the world around us. Our culture circulates information and ideas about what sex is, what sex should be, how often we should have sex, who we should have sex with. We are all free to make up our own mind about what we think about sex, how men are, how women are. Sometimes we choose to believe things that don’t help us find and maintain sexual pleasure. Instead, we accept rules that lead us to suppress our deepest desires and deny the hope that things can get better.
Some of your sex rules will hopefully be positive; beliefs about your right to pleasure, your freedom to discover what sexual satisfaction means to you, and recognition of your right to awaken and celebrate your sexual potential. You are also likely to invest in other beliefs, which can be destructive to having great sexual experiences and are in fact a source of fear and insecurity that undermine your self-confidence. Awareness is the key to change. So take a look at the 5 most common beliefs that block sexual happiness and see which ones sound familiar to you.
1. SHE/HE NEED TO KNOW HOW TO TURN ME ON
If we cling to the idea that it’s someone else’s responsibility to “give” us an orgasm, we’re letting go of our own responsibility. We are all different. There are no magical techniques that will send any person into the throes of sexual ecstasy. Expecting your partner to be responsible for your sexual pleasure is unreasonable. It allows you to detach from your own sexuality and allows you to hold on to an imagined sense of security due to the lack of your own participation and responsibility. You have to put yourself on the line and bring out what you want. It might be easier to listen
to your fears and remain silent, hoping for the best, but when you open up, you will build your own self-esteem and confidence and respect for yourself and your sexual desires. You also allow your partner to do the same and you both start building successful sexual communication that will help you find sexual satisfaction.
Any situation in which our anger and frustration is motivated by ‘should’ indicates a renunciation of responsibility. Reading minds, making assumptions about what other people should know, frees you from having to step outside your familiar comfort zone and express your own needs and desires. You expect other people to make themselves vulnerable by exposing themselves to the risk of ‘failure’, not getting what they ‘should’ already know. Don’t let other people do the work for you, trying to guess what you want. It’s not a successful strategy for great sex and it leaves you vulnerable to feelings of disappointment and rejection every time someone doesn’t behave the way you expect them to.
2 SEXUAL PASSION HAS BEEN DOOMED TO AN ESSENTIAL WASTE.
The dizzying chemistry of the early months can be transformed into a deeper sex-self-mind connection that heightens sexual pleasure. Don’t give up trying; the less sex you have, the easier it is to convince yourself that it isn’t important and so you decide to bury your disappointment and frustration. In any relationship, the levels of desire will fluctuate. This is not a disaster. Keep touching and being affectionate and your attraction will return. The specific danger of this belief is that it justifies and reinforces the temptation to give up and stop trying to create and maintain sexual passion in a long-term relationship. This can easily lead to a situation where there is no more physical touch between you and your partner and the emotional bond and intimacy will diminish.
While it may not be easy, you need to find the courage to talk to your partner if you feel you are not happy with your current sex life, otherwise your resentment that your sexual needs are not being recognized and unmet may trickle down and the general condition of affect your relationship. You have to recognize that better sex sometimes takes some effort, time and dedication. It may not sound very sexy, but sexiness is all in your perception. Some people choose to explore tantric practices, which broaden the possibilities of what sex can be by seeing that sexuality can be experienced outside of the typical western penetration-ejaculation approach. For other people, making the decision to make time for sex is enough to rekindle the lost sense of intimacy and pleasure.
3. A REAL MAN IS READY FOR SEX ANYTIME, ANYWHERE
This belief simplifies and completely downplays men’s sexual responses. Men’s desire level is influenced by their thoughts and feelings, just like women’s. Men are not sexual machines ready to perform on command, although many of the messages we receive about sex tell us that is the case. This puts enormous pressure on the man, which leads to the fear of failure that many men are familiar with. Somehow, when sex fails, it’s easier for some women to blame the man than to acknowledge that sexual connections between two people are controlled and created by both people, not just the man. If a woman believes this to be true, she is vulnerable to feeling unwanted and unwanted when her partner does not want to have sex.
4. THE MORE SEXUAL TECHNIQUES/POSITIONS I KNOW, THE BETTER THE LOVER I AM.
Learning more and better sex tips and tricks to give you more sexual satisfaction is not always the key to sexual satisfaction. Some people have a great sex life and want to learn more about how to make it even better. In situations like this, tips and tricks can add another element to the relationship. However, if your sex life isn’t satisfying you, expecting a quick fix in the form of “things” to do with and with your partner is unlikely to get you what you want. Only technical skill can make for an emotionally isolating experience, if not for you then possibly for your partner. It comes back to the connection between sex and self-mind. Finding sexual happiness isn’t just about what you do. It’s also about who you are. How willing are you to show yourself to someone else. Can you let go emotionally and physically enough to open yourself up to pleasure? Sometimes too much emphasis on doing is a way of masking and denying what is wrong in your state of being.
5. MASTURBATION IS JUST A SUBSTITUTE FOR ‘PROPER’ SEX.
Masturbation is a great way to enhance partner sex because it’s all about exploring your own sexual potential. You don’t need a lover to explore your own sexuality and increase your sexual energy. In fact, the more you know about your own sexual response, the better lover you can become. If you take the responsibility of knowing what you like and don’t like, then you are able to show and/or tell a partner how to please you. Most people like to hear that and your clarity will give you both more confidence and control over your sexual experiences. Many people view masturbation as a last resort for a single person. However, if you learn to please yourself, you can develop a rich fantasy life that can enhance your sexual relationships with other people.
Creating lasting sexual happiness requires being comfortable with who you are and being aware of your sexual style, likes and dislikes. You must be able to convey this to another and not be inhibited by fear of the possible perceptions of others. Other people’s reactions are their problem, their problems – not yours. It may seem like you have to consider the discomfort and judgment of others, but you don’t. Remember that you can decide how to respond to other people and you can choose to be brave and confident and in the certainty that you know and accept who you are as a sexual being.